My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I bet birds love this building.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.