In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
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Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I just ran a .003048K
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”