DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
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me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Still cracks me up
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.