I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
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Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.