Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
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[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.