“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
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It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Body by sandwich.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Dudes named Chance never had one.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.