asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
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Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.