I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
You Might Also Like
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
back to work
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?