The USS B port
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Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow