“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
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Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.