I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
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My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Lmfao
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Saving my good tweets for marriage
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
me hitting on a model
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl