I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
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One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags