i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
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Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Important
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.