What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
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[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.