Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
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The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
This cat wants you to take your pills
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.