[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
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wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.