Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
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*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?