Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
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I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.