Chemical wingman
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[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train