starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
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[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…