I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
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Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Barbie gone wild
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?