me talking to family:
βΆπββββββββ 00:02me talking to friends:
βΆ πββββββββ 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix βPopplesβ series & live action Flintstones movies:
βΆ πββββββββ 1:54:28
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I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Just ran into BjΓΆrk walking into her hjΓΆtel. LjΓΆking fjΓΆrward to her show at PitchfjΓΆrk tjΓΆnight (hjΓΆly shit my Icelandic is pjΓ«rfect).
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Skipping is exerciseβ¦thatβs why Iβm always skipping the gym.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Air conditioning – not a fan
I just found out that my mechanic doesnβt drive.
I donβt understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say βvest day everβ like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasnβt as invested as they were.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesnβt work for this guy
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Me: Tie me up? Thatβs kinky
My Kidnapper: Youβve made this awkward now
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice