Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
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I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
😂😂
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.