25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
You Might Also Like
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Donkey Kong sommelier
thanksgiving in nutshell
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.