How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
You Might Also Like
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.