A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
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I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy