If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
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The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*