[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
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That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.