You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
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when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back