Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
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Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?