Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
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Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.