Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
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I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.