I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
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Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.