If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
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My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Optional boss fight.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert