I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
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Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs