Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
You Might Also Like
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die