I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
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“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.