A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
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Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life