*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
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One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.