If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
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*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?