If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
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Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover