if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
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English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
#Thanos #MondayMood
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.