My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
You Might Also Like
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
oh u like geography? name every lake
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57