[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
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*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Left at a local drug store…
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.