Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
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At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Taliband
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.