If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
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Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
This has made my week.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
thanksgiving in nutshell