All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
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him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”