Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
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1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Interior design 👌
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.