Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
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Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.