Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
You Might Also Like
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Dietest Coke
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.